SENGHENNYDD COURT.
GROUND FLOOR. FLAT ONE. ROOM TWO.
well, at least that is easy to remember! but also i am a little nervous about the fact that it is on the ground floor cause i am so much more at risk there. i hope that there is a big muscley rugby player sharing with me who i can hide behind when the burglers come with their guns and balaclavas. or maybe my fears are founded in the fact that my father feels the need to ruin every little exciting thing that happens in my life and my mother is the biggest worry wart since juilius ceasar. and ever since i told them where i was allocated they have seemed a little more worried and weary. my dad even blamed himself for not making absoulutely sure there was no way i could get anything except talybont. not going to lie, i really wanted to live there, but senghennydd is so much cheaper, and i can literally roll out of bed and into the student union. which is always a bonus right?
i fell apart today. not literally, i still have all my legs and arms and such, but emotionally everything that is happening around me seemed so much more, important. like maybe i will actually live if i don't get a first from cardiff, as was my plan since i was five years old. actually, no that is a lie. getting a first from cardiff was always plan B. my back up plan. i always wanted to be famous. to be different from everyone else. to be talented and to stick out.
i realised today, that my dream to be different, actually just makes me the same as everyone else.
everyone wants to be a success. everyone wants to be rich. if i really wanted to be different maybe i should have set my sights on being a bum on the street, or a hotel maid. i did always, secretly, see the allure of being a single mom. of course, this is something i would never ever admit to my sociology teacher, who, by the way, i am currently mad at for not teaching us part of the course of crime and deviance, leaving me with a D in that paper, and a B overall, despite the fact i got almost full marks on the family paper. dickhead. i mean, maybe it's cause i watch too much gilmore girls, but if i was to have a baby now, at 18, then by the time they were 18 and leaving for univeristy i would only be what? 36? give or take? you could totally carry on your life then, and you even get more male meeting opportunities, in their school teachers (though looking at the ones i had maybe this isn't such a good idea) and the doctors who treated them when they got the mumps (the one who treated me when i got the mumps aged 18 was a fittie. and who doesn't want to be married to a doctor?).
but then i remember how much my parents have worked to get me to the position where i could just fit into the norm of being a successful human being. i found out yesterday, for example, that my dad passed on the opportunity to get his PHD so he could help mom look after me. mom moved from her home in zimbabwe so that i would be born here, and have a better chance at life, she followed my dad to a country she had hardly been too so that he could get the great job he was offered to feed my mouth and that of my siblings. my parents worked hard to get where they are today. my mom sacrified her career, her home, everything so i could grow up, have food on my plate and eventually be mature and old enough to go to university. so that is what i plan to do. even though i can't help feeling more and more scared every single time one of my friends mentions the fact we are going to be moving out in three weeks.
i really hope kiff is right and we do all keep in contact. even though i have this horrible feeling he is delusional and as soon as he has his new bristol friends we will become a memory.
